Why Am I Like This?

It was just too easy, which made it all too hard.

It’s probably not a good thing that I’m happier when you’re too busy for me.

You’re starting to make me feel like shit when we do talk unless we’re in person and I don’t know how to process that.

It’s been a while, and I’m only here because I needed a place to think out loud, without annoying anyone I know irl and somewhere he wouldn’t see.

I’m just feeling confused. Everything has been so easy for once, so I have moments where I start to wonder if I do genuinely love him, or if I just love the idea of him.

But then I get so nervous about our visits interstate to each other, I get so giggly when he holds me close, and despite deciding that maybe I don’t want to be married, he’s the one I see at the end of the aisle when I daydream about it.

Maybe I’m just scared that it will all be gone before I know it, even though we’ve both said we want to make this one work. Maybe I’m expecting the worst so I’m more surprised and happy for the good?

All I know for sure is that nothing has felt like this before and maybe being scared is a good thing because it means I care.

I don’t want to end my life, but I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m sick of feeling this every single day.

Decided today was the day…..then I remembered I have two important birthdays this week, so I can’t 😔

I just want to stop hurting.

So over being the one apologising for getting upset, when the person who caused it doesn’t give two fucks and isn’t sorry for their part in it.

Being medicated was the best thing I ever did for myself 🥰🥰

I’m a whole different person!

I wish I could just run away from everything and start again.

I don’t think I can stay anymore, it’s all getting too much for me.

Maybe I need to end this.

Why can’t I just be okay? 😔

I feel like I’m going insane.

I don’t want to do anything again.

I’m miserable. I’m depressed. I’m anxious.

I feel like I’m a burden on everyone I’ve ever met.

I don’t want to be here anymore.